Being alone with my thoughts

July 8, 2012 § Leave a comment

The day after Rèmy’s funeral, my partner was due to go into work. We had a beautiful, deep sleep the night of the funeral and woke up feeling more at peace than we had been all week. I started making us breakfast – the kitchen was still a mess from hosting guests from the funeral at our house for lunch the previous day. I started to feel overwhelmed piling up dishes and returning things to their rightful place. We sat down to eat and I started to cry.

He put his arms around me and said he wouldn’t go to work, and I felt an immediate sense of relief. I didn’t realise how insecure I suddenly felt at the prospect of being alone. We ate breakfast, although I had lost my appetite. We did the dishes together and he cheered me up – our transition from deep sadness to humour is at times swift. He knows how to make me laugh and laughing makes me feel good.

Afterwards he sat down and played Mitch Hedberg videos on YouTube and I cleaned the lounge and kitchen areas slowly, listening and laughing, just happy he was there. The house slowly became normal again – clean, refreshed and ready for a new week.

We visited Rèmy in the afternoon – and it felt good. We looked at the other graves and headstones in the children’s area of Manukau Memorial Gardens and felt secure that Rèmy was in the presence of so many loved children and babies.

My partner’s rugby team, College Rifles, have been enormously supportive and they had planned to have a minute of silence for Taka and baby Rèmy before their game against East Tamaki. We went to watch, it was important moment for him. Watching rugby for me is the same feeling that he has when I drag him to art events – we tolerate and support each other but have limited engagement. I just enjoyed watching him enjoy the game. Our relationship has naturally intensified over this past week and I am deeply grateful to have him in my life.

The clingyness will fade. I was just afraid to be alone with my thoughts.

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