Stupid Christmas and my fragile heart

December 22, 2012 § Leave a comment

In two weeks, it will be six months since losing our baby. Rèmy’s plot at Manukau Memorial Gardens is now almost completely surrounded. I feel the loss of all the new babies in the children’s cemetery. Every visit yields a new experience of grief.

Today I was overcome with emotion. I really cried today. I saw so many tiny babies at the Otara market. I felt too much… desire, jealousy, anger, frustration. A familiar darkness crept over me and I drove to the cemetery in tears.

Whilst understanding the vulnerability triggers, grieving plus Christmas is a new experience. Rèmy was due on December 6. We would have been having our first Christmas together.

Stupid Christmas.

So many thoughts today started with, “I just wish…”

I just wish you were here, baby. I’m lost when I’m consumed with your memory.

I had bought lots of delicious fresh fruit and vegetables at the market before I got sad this morning. I came home after being at the cemetery and forced myself to be busy. I made fruit juice, a big yummy salad, macaroni cheese, garlic bread. My partner came home from work and we had a beautiful dinner. He settled my anxiety.

To love and be loved is so soothing for a fragile heart.

Where Am I?

You are currently viewing the archives for December, 2012 at Losing Rèmy.