Feeling bung

June 28, 2013 § Leave a comment

Thinking about trying to get pregnant again.

Feeling bung. Broken. Faulty.

It’s almost a year since Rèmy… another sad milestone.

I miss you Rèmy… everyday.

I was planning a presentation for tomorrow when I came across a photo of me about a month before losing Rèmy, so happy to have made it past the first trimester… just, so happy. It’s a really nice photo, it captures every inch of my glow, the sparkle in my eye… I remember catching myself smiling all the time, just giddy thinking about meeting my baby and the future.

I’ve been telling myself recently to change my attitude – it’s do-able. Just need to stop being sad.

Just. Stop. Being. Sad.

Fake smiling, breathing, hoping and trying to trust the unknown.

May 20, 2013 § Leave a comment

I hate the jealousy.

It hits me hard. When I’m around some pregnant women.
I just… feel filled with… envious, writhing, jealous energy.
And it makes me angry.

And hard.

And all the feelings of inadequacy, failure, incapability and powerlessness flood my mind, and my heart becomes cold and stoney.

I’ve learned how to forgive myself, and breath through moments of momentary head fuckery, but it leaves a mark on my day, on my week, on my headspace.

Too many eggs are in the baby basket, I think sometimes.

I wish and dream about having a successful pregnancy; some days I’m filled with hope, others I just want to give up hoping. That commitment to the unknown is so much easier for me to consider in work, and philosophise about with artists and friends.

I guess it’s just a matter of fake smiling through these moments. Fake smiling, breathing, hoping and trying to trust the unknown.



I became a hopeless drifter

October 14, 2012 § Leave a comment

When Rèmy died I played this song on repeat. I know when I’m doing well when this comes on Shuffle and I don’t cry.

But on dark days, listening to sad songs is slow torture. On dark days, I could drown in my tears. Then I imagine letting go of the tension in my body and in my mind, and visualise floating in the ocean. My tears become part of the sea and I am balanced.

I’m fighting not to become a hopeless drifter.

The grief changes. When I think ‘I miss you‘, I’m starting to think it’s more and more about missing stability… sanity, groundedness.

These are some dark days.




On bad days everything is overwhelming.

September 9, 2012 § Leave a comment

On bad days everything is overwhelming.

There’s a flashing neon sign in my mind’s eye that reads FAILURE.

The mind wanders and the reflection of the light from that sign can be found in every facet of my thinking.

I see it for what it is; grief, lightweight depression and the side effects of attempting to work freelance for the first time in my life. I know that there is a lot to be positive about. Those thoughts surround me on good days.

Today is a bad day. I’m trying really hard to get myself out of this.

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