January 15, 2013 § Leave a comment
It’s hard to accept that the people who might love you the most can also stab you the deepest.
I find solace at the cemetery. Quietly whispering to Rèmy.
His new neighbour’s shit is always spilling on to his grave. Plastic crap, soggy sad looking teddy bears. I pull out the extra long grass and sit cross legged on his little plot. It’s practical, as there are no seats nearby, but I like feeling close to him. It settles my chaotic heart.
I was triggered today by the feeling that even those closest to me have no way to understand the grief I feel… The way Rèmy’s life and death changed the course of my life. I float along trying to keep going, sometimes the current takes me surging forwards, other times I’m stuck going in circles.
I force myself to survive on a rhythm supported by structure, love and boundaries. When any or all of those things are threatened, I am in pieces.
This is what I know.
It’s seven months on. Everything has changed. My heart still aches.